***Disclaimer: this blog post contains sensitive and vulnerable subject matter. Readers be advised. ***
It’s been two years since my two rainbow babies were born. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, a rainbow baby is a baby born after a loss or miscarriage.
If you don’t know my story yet, in September 2014, I had the joy of bringing our son into the world. I then became pregnant (surprise!) 6 months later, only to unfortunately lose the baby I was carrying 3 months into pregnancy. A mere 3 months following my miscarriage I found out I was pregnant again and this time, with twins!
It was a bittersweet pregnancy as I struggled with feelings of sadness, grief, and often anxiety due to the miscarriage but, was also happy to be pregnant again. I was also very tired throughout the pregnancy as I had a toddler underfoot this time around who demanded my attention and focus.
It also put enormous pressure on us financially to find a new vehicle, new residence, and of course purchase two of everything. Thankfully we could use Liam’s gear for one baby but we still had to buy the second items.
Emotionally, as I mentioned above, I wrestled with feeling excited about the new babies, and yet still grieved the one I lost. I think I felt like if I was genuinely excited, I would somehow be dishonouring the baby I lost. Truth be told, I don’t believe I adequately grieved the loss before I was pregnant again.
And then, the twins had a dramatic entrance into the world.
A 3-week NICU stay was inevitable when they arrived 5 weeks early. This required having family come stay with us to care for Liam, for me to stay in the NICU with the new babies, and for us to be separated as a family for almost a month.
I say this all to paint a picture of just how hard it was, and even today, how hard it is to look upon their conception and birth with pure joy and rainbows in my eyes (pun intended).
I hate divulging my true feelings on the subject and relaying my struggles when it comes to my disconnection from them, my resentment for all the stress and burden they initially were on us, and to see how their births were truly a blessing.
These past two years have been harder than I expected with all the sleep deprivation, postpartum depression, special needs surfacing, and all the transitions that took place following their birth.
If I’m being completely honest with myself, I think I’m still working to bond with my rainbow babies. I’m also still working at resolving the suppressed grief from our loss, in order to free up more joy and love in my heart for the three beautiful babies I have right in front of me. And I still continue to work at being grateful every day for the addition of not one, but two tiny humans into our family.
Perhaps the rainbow aspect of their arrival will come after the storm and tumultuous weather has calmed...until then, I’ll continue to catch and savour glimpses of their radiant colours through the dark skies and anticipate that they will indeed emulate the name of “rainbow babies” in our lives.